Day 59 – Friendship trumps Fear

Today has been a roller-coaster. I gave myself all the reasons in the world not to proceed. I finally made the decision to publish and then spent 2.5 irate hours googling how to “make this website live”.

When I finally found the ‘Publish’ button it was done in the blink of an eye. No fanfare, no trumpets, nothing. I sat at my kitchen table with a pounding headache and a rising feeling of nausea.

There was nothing more to do other than text my chums and tell them what I’d done. Within 5 minutes all of the wonderful, brilliant women whom I am privileged enough to call my friends texted back. Without exception they downed tools on a sunny bank holiday afternoon to read my posts.

I decided to go and train to take my mind off things. I felt like an expectant father pacing in the waiting room. Luke had sent me a blistering workout and I thought that if I powered through it and got in the bath then I might have one or two replies.

Training was hard and I spent most of it searching for my mojo. Some days training is easy some days it’s not. Today it wasn’t.

I didn’t stay in the bath long and once out, and wrapped in a towel, I checked my phone. The response was overwhelming and I sat on the edge of the bath with tears streaming down my cheeks, humbled by the kind words from my fabulous friends.

One of the most interesting questions that was posed was alone the lines of “what are you hoping to achieve by doing this?” The honest answer is that I simply don’t know. What started with a series of silly texts to a friend has become “a thing”.

So as I was cooking dinner I questioned, and tried to decipher, my motives. My train of thought went like this:

• Am I doing it to show off? Anyone who has seen my before photos will know that’s not the case.
• Am I doing it to inspire people? Um, not really. But it’s really made me happy that my barmy pal, who was the recipient of my original texts, has started training with Luke.
• Am I doing it because I’m a needy writer and seek the praise and approval of others? Possibly.
• So why? Why are you doing this?

I had no answers.

A review of my food diary showed that I’d really buggered up my timings today. Breakfast was too late and my blog related trauma meant that lunch passed by without me noticing. I do NOT usually skip lunch and eat a gluten free, vegan, low sugar, oat cookie even if my mum did make it.

Climbing into bed I was still none the wiser as to my motives.

Today’s food and exercise journal: