Day 50:
The day started with the best of intentions. However, I became mum taxi for the day and was at everyone’s beck and call. Whilst I was hanging about waiting for the Lovely Girls I ended up going into the office.
I wasn’t particularly hungry but I had a stash of oatcakes and almond butter in my desk drawer which tided me over.
My husband was still away at his parents’ nursing his mum. Because of lockdown there wasn’t enough time to move her to a hospice. To say that it had been a traumatic few days (weeks and months) would be an understatement.
Under normal circumstances I would have been at my parents’-in-laws too, but lockdown meant that I wasn’t allowed to be there. I knew that my husband and sister-in-law were exhausted and traumatised, and I hated the fact that I couldn’t be there to provide some support.
The whole set of circumstances left me in a very weird mood.
Day 51:
My mother-in-law died at 5:10am. I was out walking the dog when my husband rang.
Over the last few weeks it had become clear to me that we are far from being a civilised society. No one should have to die the way that my mother-in-law did.
I have nothing but admiration for my husband and his sister. they were with their mum in shifts until the end. From my mother-in-law’s perspective she died at home surrounded by her children and the people who loved her.
I really didn’t want to do cardio. My head was pounding and I wasn’t in the mood. However, I told myself that I would do 10 honest minutes on the exercise bike and if I felt worse then I would stop.
My headache receded after 57 minutes and felt so much better for getting a sweat on..
Day 52:
I wasn’t going to go for a walk but the dog looked at me with such pleading eyes and I felt much better for getting out in the fresh air.
I had to go into the office to sort a few things out. The last time I popped into the office for a morning, intending to be back before lunch, I got caught out. So I decided that I would take lunch with me.
I didn’t have much time so lunch was a simple tuna salad. Whilst I was making lunch I overcooked the porridge which immediately became a clumpy mess.
I felt distracted and headachey all day and when I got home I needed to help sort out the application forms for the Grant of Probate.
It was 7:10pm before I got my gym kit on and I hadn’t made dinner. In days gone by I would have dropped everything and fed my family. As it was, I told everyone that I was going to work out and that they should forage for whatever they wanted to eat. I told myself that no one would actually die from starvation if I put myself first for an hour.
One of the things I’ve found most difficult to deal with since I’ve been working out is the Mum Guilt. The concept of putting my needs first, when my family might want me to do something for them, was completely alien to me. However, I’m learning that the best thing I can do for my family is to be as stable, strong and happy as possible. If this means letting them eat a random, scavenged dinner from time to time, then so be it.
My head was splitting and I didn’t really want to work out but I told myself that after 10 minutes if I wanted to stop then I could. I repressed my Mum Guilt and started doing some squats.
I had a great workout and told Luke that it was a ‘piece of piss’. Oh how I would rue those words.
Looking back I think that I would have been in a much worse place mentally if I hadn’t been exercising.
Day 53:
I couldn’t move. Everything hurt. I didn’t even think that I had worked that hard yesterday,
My head was pounding, and my right shoulder, deltoid, arm and wrist were angry.
I felt exhausted and my family needed me to be available for cups of tea and chats about Grandma; I arranged to take the rest of the week off.
Arriving home I still felt like I’d been hit by a bus – physically and emotionally. My legs were heavy and I really didn’t want to do cardio. My legs were so sore that I wanted to stop after 15 minutes but I pushed on.
Lovely Girl #1 made dinner – which was amazing.
Day 54:
I slept badly and woke up feeling rough.
Training was hard but needed. I’d meant to eat more at lunchtime but the day ran away from me.
Day 55:
I had a glorious, long walk first thing which was supposed to ease the pain in my legs. It didn’t. My legs felt completely solid and quite sore. I clearly needed to do more stretching.
I did a short training session with Luke at lunchtime,
Despite the overwhelming emotional exhaustion and everyone being upset, I looked for the little wins. I”d done well with the water intake and my food was good. All in all, it wasn’t a bad day.
Day 56:
I did my progress photos first thing (see below).
Another training session at lunchtime. It was hard.
End of Week 8 Progress Photos:
When I saw these photos I was so happy that I could have cried. I couldn’t believe the change in just 8 weeks.
Every single thing that I’d done had been worth it.
There was still a long way to go but I was thrilled with the progress so far.
